How many of us grew up on The Kids in the Hall? How many of us have wished for a fish dinner with Paul Bellini, the mysterious and ephemeral fifth Kid, at a convenient airport hotel?

Well, believe it or not, Bellini hosts a more-or-less regular show over at the Flying Beaver Pubaret which is, mind-blowingly, cover-free! Yeah, you can actually just waltz in off of Parliament Street (near Carlton), order a beverage, and rub naked or clothed elbows (your choice) with the one and only Paul Bellini.

The Flying Beaver is a delightfully intimate venue with room for maybe 80 to 100 people if everyone stood shoulder to shoulder, and has not ceased to amaze me with some of the personalities it has managed to attract. I’m sure owners Maggie and Heather‘s seemingly endless connections to Canadian comedy, the best form of comedy, help a lot.

What I’m trying to get at is, basically, that The Flying Beaver is an incredible Toronto-gem-hosting Toronto gem that has thus far managed to stay brow-furrowingly audience free. Even during its bigger shows, Sarah and I have never had a problem getting a table. To me, this must be simply because most of Toronto has not yet been made aware of the wonders of the Flying Beaver, meaning you still have an opportunity to experience it, and its incredible personalities, very much in the flesh.

I get the feeling that even the Toronto Sun kinda gets that the latest vote on transit funding isn’t exactly the shining moment that Ford is making it out to be.

Rather than celebrate Ford’s victory, the Sun took the opportunity to attack Karen Stintz, claiming that Ontario Transportation Minister Glen Murray called her a “roadblock” in the process of getting shit done. She says that it won’t be possible to move forward on any less than $1.8 billion, Murray says $1.4 billion is all that’s coming.

This comes after Ford revived the whole subways debate on a wing and a prayer with none of the funding “guarantees” he’s so fond of. It’s critical to note the $8.2 billion in transit funding under the Transit City project that Ford summarily, and probably illegally, dismissed as his very first act of destruction at City Hall (but only after voting in favour of it first, of course).

If Stintz is a “roadblock” simply for saying that the city will need more funding, what does that make Rob Ford?

Not that it’ll matter much in the long run, because the results of the various votes on the issue leave even more room for the whole thing to fail. Essentially, Council voted to keep any new taxes out of the equation; even Ford’s latest in a series of attempts at raising taxes was rebuffed. They also voted to make the whole thing hang on the $1.8 billion number that Stintz put forward (I guess that makes them all, including the Fords, “roadblocks”).

So those goals are a bit lofty for starters. But then Council voted on having a funding commitment by September 30th, so far with no business case or any real proposals beyond this (which I tiefed from the National Post):

As you can see, the proposed subway has less than half the stops of the LRT plan with a not-so-small distance between stops on the underground route which would be subject to the same problems that the system has thus far experienced and will continue to be a victim to.

It’s not realistic to believe that the sections of the city where subways will be built won’t be shut down for safety reasons, so in terms of inconvenience, they wouldn’t be any better for pedestrians or commuters. And that will be the situation for about 5 years with the LRT, compared to an optimistic 10 years for subways.

Once built, the LRT will be within walking distance of roughly twice as many people as the nearest subway stop. Yes, there are some perks, such as a larger overall passenger capacity of the subway over light rail, but that won’t become an issue for some time; both systems are expected to be running, at peak times, half to less-than-half empty by 2031.

So no, subways are not the best option given what we know (and have known for some time).

Not that it really matters —  neither the LRT or subways may ever see the light of day. There was, at one time, a viable and ready-to-go plan called Transit City, but before anyone had a chance to stick a shovel in the ground, Rob Ford summarily cancelled it and started in on this insane death spiral that the TTC is now in.

The numbers aren’t adding up, the only plan thus far has consisted of publicly blubbering rhetoric about partnerships, and now we have these extra conditions that imperil even the tenuous and ephemeral concept of subways. And all this just for Scarborough … no discussions about upgrading or maintaining the rest of the system which by 2031, is believed will require passengers to fight to the death for a seat on severely overcrowded and, thanks to Ford, extra pricey trains.

I usually walk to and from the office, but yesterday’s touch of rain made me alter my regular plans.

The longest part of the trip was getting out of the subway station, but that might’ve been more tolerable had it not been for the special TTC constables who were not only not attempting to direct the flow of ever-growing foot traffic, but were actually misdirecting people and spreading false stories.

“Union Station is completely shut down, people! Nothing’s running! Nothing! The entire city is shut down, no one has any power, so no one’s going anywhere! Everything’s flooded!”

Luckily the incredulous crowd had their own plans to get to wherever they were going and only wanted facts, which they soon realized they would not get from the “authorities”, each of which had their own version of events.

Even Ford couldn’t help but fan the flames of panic:

“Toronto has persevered; we have weathered the storm,” Ford said, before stressing the need to reduce electricity consumption over the next 24 hours.

“This is crucial that we all reduce our electricity for today to help relieve the strain on our hydro system. We’re hanging on by a thread right now,” he said.

Holy shit! Toronto’s about to go under!

IT’S TIME TO PANIC, PEOPLE!

Oh, you haven’t heard? Rob Ford not only wants your taxes to be higher, he’s outright demanding it!

Earlier this week the province announced that they would be cutting $50 million per year in transfer payments, which were intended to level the playing field for Toronto which often ends up shouldering more than its fair share of the whole country’s costs.

Seems like Robbie would be happy with that, no? I mean, apparently the city’s running a healthy surplus so it doesn’t seem like it’d missed much. Plus, isn’t this a perfect example of cutting back on waste?

Yes, it is waste according to Ford. That money is, after all, going to people who are just leeches on the system:

“People are not going to live free at Toronto Community Housing. I don’t care if you two years old, 20 years old or 200 years old, you’re not going to live for free”

Oh, except it’s not waste when it’s the Province that cuts support and not him. No, then it’s quite a different thing:

“A cut of $150 million will put a serious strain on our ability to provide these vital services to the most vulnerable residents.”

Additional transfer payment cuts are coming down the pipe in the not-too-distant future, about which the Fords haven’t made a peep.

I think it’s pretty clear what we can glean from this obvious hypocrisy; Rob Ford doesn’t give a fuck about “vital services” (he wouldn’t even bother to get his facts straight on the issue), or supporting the taxpayers, or arguing with the province to reduce taxes if they’re cutting payments, no, Rob Ford wants tax money to stuff the swollen pockets of his own administration. And that money comes from you and me, the taxpayer, and judging by the fact that Fordo was keen to raise property taxes, it would be no problem to raise taxes elsewhere as long they go directly to him to waste.

Spend $400,000 on an information campaign to close King Street to traffic and potentially make life a little nicer for taxpayers? Outrageous! Blow $3,000,000 on information to justify hacking and slashing the city budget (irony aside), to make life a little more miserable for taxpayers? That’s money well spent!

How’s that for gravy?

I’ve already gone into detail about how Ford, despite his many claims, is not interested in creating jobs for Toronto, didn’t seem too bothered at the thought of hefty pay raises to Council, and has at this point wasted and cost taxpayers vast swathes of money, even if you factor in all of the initiatives he’s put forward to reduce taxes, etc.

Oh sure, you can point the fingers at every level of government with this accusation, and you’d be right. But no level of government is as brazenly and openly hypocritical about it — it’s abuse coupled with insult.

Then, just so you don’t forget what outright dicks both brothers are, frère Doug goes and blames provincial leader Kathleen Wynne for the Catholic School Board’s dismissal of Rob from coaching football, insinuating that she went all the way to Etobicoke on some sort of bizarre personal vendetta against them, all the while taking continuous potshots at her.

And if that wasn’t enough, the Fords have their buddy and logistics guy (i.e. personal driver and helper monkey), David Price, calling into radio shows and newspapers, misrepresenting himself and hollering about how beloved both brothers are and how much “Ford Nation” is standing behind them — this while Ford office staff continue to drop like flies. Yet another example of reality (the truth), versus what the Fords say (bullshit).

The rule of thumb with the Fords seems to be basically this: what we say is the exact opposite of what we do, and if you dare point this out, or any of the other facts surrounding our shady dealings, we will attack you with every fiber of our being.

Ford says he wants lower taxes, meaning he demands higher taxes.

Ford says he wants subways subways subways, meaning he doesn’t want mass transit at all.

Ford respects the taxpayer. Yeah, right.

So now that Ford has survived the final appeal in his conflict of interest case (the Supreme Court didn’t even bother to give any reason), I think it’s worthwhile to count how many times he’s been let off the hook for flagrantly breaking both rules and laws (neither of which, of course, apply to Rob Ford or family):

There was that campaign finance audit, which, just like the conflict of interest case discovered that, yes indeed, Ford had broken the law many times over. But in the end, that was simply dismissed by an “expert committee” (a little cheating is okay). Thus Robbie first learned that the law is for other people.

Then there was the time Ford was caught in the act, reading while driving, and excused by the chief of police as a minor trifling offense (this at the same time as a distracted driving blitz was raking in cash).

You may also recall the time he rudely whisked past open streetcar doors, outright endangering people. That time the TTC refused to follow up, as did the cops.

Prior to that, Ford walked out of a domestic assault charge when it was decided that his wife just couldn’t be trusted to tell the truth.

That last one is quite ironic, considering how openly and loudly lied to the whole city about his DUI/drug charges in Florida.

Of course, there is that drunken rage incident at the Air Canada Centre, over which I don’t think charges were ever laid (Rob was just ejected).

There are lots of things Rob Ford does that, though technically illegal, would be more than sufficient grounds to get you fired from any private organization or business. Name your fault: incompetence, open deceit, criminality, etc. All of these are not only easily proven but, in some cases, actually admitted to by the fat man himself.

But why should any of that matter?

Ontario Privacy Commissioner Ann Cavoukian has found yet another government body breaking the law simply because they can:

“At the root of the problems uncovered over the course of our wide-reaching investigation was the practice of indiscriminate deletion of all emails sent and received by the former chief of staff to the minister of energy,” Cavoukian wrote.

That is in violation of the Archives and Recordkeeping Act (ARA).

Cavoukian said it is impossible for citizens to hold governments to account if potentially important documents are destroyed.

Seems like these days you hardly have time to turn around before another casualty of the Rob Ford administration comes out of the woodwork.

Just today another two staffers have been “escorted” out of City Hall. This time around it was Brian Johnston, Ford’s policy advisor, and Kia Nejatian, his executive assistant. That makes five people in total. So far.

Then comes the news that someone involved with the crack video (at least in terms of being in it), has been arrested in connection with the murder of Anthony Smith, the guy standing next to Ford in the same video (at least in the still that’s been floating around). In fact, they’re all hugging it up, making Ford’s presence smack dab in the middle of the group just that much more suspicious.

And the “non-existent” crack video, as Ford vehemently claims, seems all the more real every passing day as additional details surrounding his staff’s efforts to hunt it down have emerged. Seems Rob was personally involved in trying to get his hands on the video that doesn’t exist.

There’s also that pesky rumour that Robbie’s been busy behind the scenes destroying records — presumably of his misdeeds. Regardless, that’s just plain illegal.

If that wasn’t all bad enough, both friendly and not-so-friendly politicians are all taking a step back and saying they want nothing to do with the Fords.

And in the meantime, as a little gift to all of his taxpayers, he hasn’t even mentioned the one thing he vowed to be fighting: excessive spending at City Hall, specifically a computer project that has ballooned from around $8 million to $70 million on his watch.

This project sounds eerily familiar to the MFP computer scandal … that one resulted in the creation of the conflict of interest rules that Rob Ford was the first one to test and get away with on an egregious technicality — and then wanted the watchdogs responsible for preventing a repeat of that fiasco to be gotten rid of (among others asking too many questions for his liking).

Basically, the muddle of corruption, greed, and criminality has come full circle, and the Fords are sitting right in the middle of it in one way or another.

But don’t worry, maintains Robbie … everything’s fine!

It takes some guts to insert anyone critical of the Fords smack dab in the middle of Ford Nation these days. After all, these are the same people who openly threatened to cut Sarah’s head off on Facebook (I wish I was kidding).

But Catherine Porter of the Star did it anyways, standing outside of Rob’s cherished Humbertown Mall with nought but a sign inviting people for a talk, and a smile, asking Ford supporters what they thought of their man these days.

Of course, it wouldn’t be Ford Nation if at least a few of them didn’t throw out insults like their corpulent hero, but thankfully a few people decided to talk to her and provide us with a glimpse into the brilliance that makes up their ranks.

The person that stood out, for me, was one Robert Tycholiz, a former drug addict turned musician, and a die-hard Ford backer.

“I have a lot of faith in the mayor. The things he’s done for the city are the ones he promised to do,” said Tycholiz, 54. “I believe him.”

The word “believe” here is really very appropriate, because it exposes a sort of blind faith. And it would have to be blind to claim that the mayor has “done” anything for the city outside of an extra $0.12 each day in your pocket (but only if you can afford to drive a car; go figure), and privatizing half of Toronto’s garbage collection (which doesn’t exactly qualify as the City Hall “gravy” that Rob used to scream about).

I guess this is enough to impress some people. Fine.

Then there’s this little gem:

“Anybody on coke, addicted to coke, could never carry weight like Rob Ford. He’s a big man. Those drugs slim you down like nobody’s businesses,” he said. “He’d have to be very, very stupid to have that happen, and I don’t see him as a stupid man.”

To claim that Ford’s tenure has shown much intelligence is a huge stretch. And about drugs like cocaine slimming you down like “nobody’s business”…

This is Chris Farley, in case you don’t recognize him; a jolly, good-natured, and infinitely more intelligent version of Rob Ford who died of a cocaine overdose, and who remained quite beefy right up until the end. Farley exhibited the same sweaty, ruddy-faced demeanor that Ford does, making accusations of Ford’s drug use all the more plausible.

But not to Ford Nashun, the people who are willing to believe a known public liar (remember how vehemently he denied his Florida DUI charge? Or the drunken hockey incident?) over overwhelming evidence and fact. Reality clearly doesn’t matter. They’ll buy whatever the fat man is shoveling, even if that happens to be so much fetid bullshit.

The questions I’m left with at the end of all of this: should these people be allowed to walk around without a chaperone and some sort of protective head gear? And for God’s sake, we’re letting them behind the wheel of a car?!

I don’t think the fact that the proposed Toronto casino was voted down is a surprise to anyone. Neither is the standard Rob Ford follow-up finger pointing and deflection:

“It seems no deal is good enough for this premier [Kathleen Wynne],” the mayor said. “The fact is she simply doesn’t want a casino, at least not in Toronto.”

Fact is, Fordo is the one who didn’t want a casino in Toronto unless it was entirely on his own invented terms. If you’ll recall, he didn’t even want to talk about a casino if Wynne wasn’t willing to concede to his demands, which almost everyone else agreed were unrealistic and overly optimistic.

There’s nothing to indicate Wynne wouldn’t have moved on a City Council motion to build a casino in the city, if that was what had been decided — it just wouldn’t have generated the $100 million that Ford pulled out of some bodily cavity.

The vote went ahead, and the casino was shot down as expected. No surprise.

I probably wouldn’t even be writing about it now, but I found it interesting to note how support for Ford and his ideas (assuming their his), has plummeted. I mean, support has hardly ever reached into the double digits (that’s with at least 22 votes needed to win a vote), but the fact that it’s dwindled down to 4 councillors backing Ford on this speaks volumes.

Ford chalks this up to undemocratic practices because it should only be him deciding on things and not “gangs” of councillors capable of building consensus and agreement among a majority. Presumably, that criticism also extends to his brother Doug — the vote included all 44 councillors and the 4 in support didn’t include him.

Then there’s the unfortunate fact that Rob himself publicly stated he wouldn’t be supporting the kind of deal he voted in favour of yesterday:

If the province won’t agree (to) that $100 million, then folks, the deal is dead. We are not going to carry on the casino debate.

Crack’s a hell of a drug.

Was the proposed casino supposed to bring revenue to the city of Toronto, or “10,000 jobs“, as Rob Ford repeatedly pronounced?

I suppose if the numbers were as high as Ford asserted ($100 million, minimum), a casino could’ve potentially brought both. But those idealized revenues turned out to be about half (or a quarter, or an eighth, depending on what day it was and how he was feeling), of Rob’s projections.

So faced with the reality of only about $54 million under the Ontario Lottery and Gaming Commission’s formula for divvying up casino spoils, Ford declared the project dead:

If the province won’t agree (to) that $100 million, then folks, the deal is dead. We are not going to carry on the casino debate.

Well, that’s it. Ford’s one and only source of potential income for Toronto projects has dried up (aside from the mysterious public-private partnerships that never materialized). So if the city can’t get a bigger chunk of cash out of the deal then it’s pointless.

Oh, and about those jobs — if the city can’t get a bigger chunk of cash out of the deal then they’re pointless too. Sorry, single moms, I guess it’s a future of frying up chicken for the foreseeable future.

Okay, snarkiness aside, I hope you see what I’m driving at here. Rob has no problem pulling the “jobs, jobs, jobs!” card out of his ass when it’s expedient for him, but when something like the casino fails we quickly see that it was never about jobs, his constituents, or the citizens of Toronto — it’s about gobbling up money for use by the government. Okay, yes, we do need transit funding, but we also need jobs, so to sacrifice one at the expense of another belies the true intentions behind the casino push.

Not that I believed the job numbers either, but that’s kind of beside the point.

At least there was a smidgen of honesty in some of Ford’s remarks:

Contrary to what many people have said, I’m not married to a casino, I never campaigned on a casino.

That’s true, unless you consider marriage to be an exclusive commitment. Then again, he never campaigned on subways either, but that never stopped him from claiming the opposite at every opportunity.