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Parade of delinquency and terror redux

Posted on November 27th, 2023 – Comments Off

It’s been well over a decade since I bore witness to the unspeakable. I’d thought that it was behind us, forgotten and buried, gone and dealt with.

I was wrong.

This time around Sarah was there to experience the carnage with me.

As in the past, this year’s Santa Claus Parade had a heavy police presence and everyone looking over their shoulders.

A dour paramilitary presence added somber tones to the distressing gathering.

And, as before, there were crass displays of wanton debauchery and depravity.

It seems few people heeded my warnings. Although I doubt many more will do so next year, it’s my sincere hope that this message will reach at least a few and that the annuals horrors imposed on the city by this event can be alleviated, even if only slightly.

Filed under: Dispatches, Patrick Bay, Pictures

Parade of delinquency and terror, the sequel

Posted on November 24th, 2010 – Comments Off

I tried to warn my sis. I referred her to last year’s experience. I told her this was no place for impressionable young kids. Did she listen? Did she do the responsible thing and not accept my invitation to the Santa Claus Parade? Am I wallowing in rhetoric just to fill up a few sentences?

Filed under: B Sides, Patrick Bay, Pictures

Parade of delinquency and terror, part 2

Posted on November 17th, 2009 – 4 Comments

In part 1 of this explosive exposé on the real Santa Claus Parade in Toronto, I went into detail on some of the hazards and ordeals that you are really subjecting your kids to by bringing them along to the event. You may not even be aware of this because, as an adult, you’ve had a good chunk of time to build up your comprehension and so your defences. It’s like understanding how lightning works; it’s still a nervous giggle of a WHAM! outside but you don’t hightail it under your couch like the cat. You know you’re safe.

Consider this, for example:

Awww. You see Santa’s Workshop, a few rosy-cheeked, satisfied elves sitting outside with the happy labours of the year past, some cute houses topped with fluffy snow and powdered sugar. Merry Christmas, kids!

From another angle, this is Santa’s Sweatshop, miserly and terribly underdressed children cast outside their warm shelters in the middle of a cold Siberian winter, no doubt for under-producing for the “jolly old elf” (who’s probably enjoying himself a back-alley rub-and-tug somewhere in Bangkok). Merry freakin’ Christmas, kids.

At this point, some parents may say, “But I’ve taught my kids well. They’ll make the right choices.” I’ve no reason to doubt anyone’s parenting skills, but upbringing is no match for military-style indoctrination. Pretty soon your kid’s goose-stepping down University Avenue with the rest of his comrades:

Still not willing to co-operate? Let’s see how he feels after this:

No? I see; junior likes to play hardball, huh?

That’s right. If they don’t get him one way, it’ll be another. Do you really want your kid playing a tuba? What kind of a horrible parent are you to even consider that question?

Filed under: B Sides, Pictures

Parade of delinquency and terror, part 1

Posted on November 16th, 2009 – 8 Comments

After squeezing my way through my second annual procession on Sunday, I can say without hesitation that the Santa Claus Parade is no place to bring your kids. The dangers are many and very, very real.

To begin with, you have strange men winding their way through the audience snapping random pictures of children and posting them on only God-knows what website. That alone should be enough, but there’s much more to be wary of.

Filed under: B Sides, Pictures